Spaceballs The Prequel
by jman007
Summary: Ever wonder how Dark Helmet became so evil... wonder no longer
1. Chapter 1

Space Balls

The Prequel

Space Balls the Prequel

Spoiler Alert

A long time ago actually it was 20 years ago when the original space balls came out and we apologize for taking so long to create this one but now with the computer generated age and the advancements in visual technology we can show you exotic locations and aliens from the dozens of nerds it took to design the aliens in this movie. Any who, Superstar Pop Diva Queen Ariel Bell Daniel Rapunzel Brier Rose Elizabeth Jasmine DeWitt Bukater Ameed the 5th… Hell just call her Rose… is returning to her home planet of Nabooba after a fire year star trek through the galaxy on tour in order to take her seat on the thrown. The evil Ford Federation company wants her to be their new spokes model, but she told them no (Actually she told them To Go To Hell). Enraged the company blockaded the planet so her new CD couldn't be sold to the citizens of the galaxy. Hoping to resolve the situation the President of the United Planets of the Galaxy has secretly sent two Jedi in order to resolve the situation, but little do they know there is a shadowy figure behind the scenes pulling the strings like the godfather. You'll get the jest of the movie as it unfolds… Oh and any characters that weren't in the original space balls and appear in the prequel will die especially the really annoying ones…

Opening scene

A ship flies toward a blue planet surrounded by Thousands of war ships. The ships are all cube shaped (or they could look like metal versions of the ships from Troy)

On board is the captain the copilot and the two Jedi. The jedi Master comes out the bathroom and his apprentice takes out a can of swartz air freshener.

Qwen Rell Lee

He waves his hand, "Man I shouldn't have had that burrito before we left…"

Captain

She turns around in her seat, "I hope you didn't clog the toilet again Master Lee…"

Qwen Rell Lee

"No of course not… I just wouldn't go in there right now…"

Ben Two Ob

"Are we there yet?"

Copilot

"Yes… Those damn Nemrods… I was looking forward to Queen Rose's new CD…"

Ben

"So was I… I had it prepayed… I'm so angry I can go dark swartz on all their candy asses…" Ben turns the can of swartz around and drinks from the other end, his eyes turn yellow and his skin goes grayish

Qwen Rell Lee

"Calm yourself my young piss-ant remember the code… peace joy happiness… now… sing the jedi theme song…"

The two Jedi break into song

Captain

She clears her throat before they get carried away. "Sir they are hailing us…"

Qwen

"Tell them we wish to board immediately…"

The Vice Roy

"Please identify yourselves…" He says from the main view screen.

Captain

"Well I'm the Captain… the screen writers didn't see fit to give me a name I don't know why… I deserve a name…"

Copilot

"Uh Captain I don't have a name either… the writers didn't give me one either…"

The Captain and Copilot start arguing about it when the captain turned to Qwen.

Captain

"Master Jedi do you know why we don't have names for this movie?"

Qwen had a copy of the script and threw it behind him when she turned in her chair the page they were reading read Captain and copilot die in the explosion

"Uh… know I don't…" When she turned around Qwen and Ben started laughing

Viceroy clears his throat

"Can I help you…"

Captain

"Yes the representatives for the President wish to board immediately…"

Viceroy  
"As you know our blockade is legal and we are happy to receive the representatives…."

The ship flies into the hangar and when it lands the two Jedi disembark. The droids and robots in the hangar start whistling at the ship that just landed.

Captain  
"Oh no… Octavia stay… don't you dare transform…"

Copilot  
"Oh shit! We better strap in…"

The ship transforms into a sexy voluptuous droid ship and poses for the droids, robots, and ships in the hangar. One of the hangar ships crawls over and they begin talking.

Droid Ship

{"You are one fine peace of metal baby… where were you put together?"}

A dot unit  
"My master will be with you shortly… please wait here!"

Ben  
"There is something wrong in the swartz…"

Qwen  
"Oh excuse me apprentice…"

Ben  
"It's not your flatulence master…" Ben strikes a match to clear the air. "Although you should lay off the burritos Master… No this is something more sinister than your bodily functions… I don't know I feel some shadowy figure is manipulating the upcoming events…"

Qwen drinks some pepto bismal  
"Look Apprentice if you're going to hang with me you got stop being so melodramatic… chill and go with the flow… here smoke this…"

Ben takes a bag of weed  
"Uh… what about the code master? We shouldn't be smoking spice… Master…"

Qwen  
"Screw the code live a little…"


	2. Chapter 2

Scene 2

Back on the Bridge

Viceroy

"What… what did you say?"

Dot unit

"The Embassadors are Jedi Knights…"

Councilor

"It's over now there goes the plan…"

Viceroy

"Distract them I'll call the boss…"

Councilor

"Jedi can here your thoughts… Let the droid go…"

Operator  
"This is AT & T how may I direct your hologram call?"

Viceroy

"Yes I like to speak with the future emperor of planet spaceballs..."

The Emperor is sitting on his couch watching Star Trek the Wrath of Khan he is wearing a star trek uniform and a pair of Spock ears eating popcorn

"Oh I just love this scene…" Spock's death scene is on, "…I have always and shall forever be your friend…" he repeats the dialogue and is interrupted by a call from the operator. "Shit who could that be?" He wonders as he pauses the scene and puts his black robe on, but forgets he is wearing the spock ears.

Operator

"Mr. Emperor… I have a collect call from Viceroy Gurdat… Will you accept the charges…"

Emperor

"Cheap bastard…" He whispers, "…Yeah put him through… Yeah what do you want…"

Viceroy

"My lord we have a problem there are two Jedi here and they want to talk about the blockade the President sent them…"

Emperor

"Alright its time to take the gloves off… kill the Jedi and send your troops down to the planet…"

Viceroy

"Um sir is that legal…"

Emperor

"Um hello… I'm the guy behind the scenes pulling the strings… DO IT!"

The ship was still flirting with the other ships when guns lowered down into the hanger.

Copilot

"Captain look!"

Captain

"Shit that's why we don't have names…"

A male ship dove in front of the female ship sacrificing its life.

Female Ship

"I will never let go Jack I will never let go…" that is when she was blown up by the gun turrets.

Qwen and Ben were laying back smoking when they heard the explosion

Ben

"What was that?" Ben asked.

Qwen

"Don't know…"

That is when smoke began to fill up in the room

Ben

"Ah man…"

Qwen

"Here put this on…" Qwen handed him a custom made swartz breath mask.

Droid

"They must be dead now… Okay Roger check it out…"

Droid 2

"Okay victor roger roger…"

They opened the door and the dot unit came out

Dot unit (Note: Dot unit is red)

"Oh excuse me…"

Buzz the Jedi switch on their light rings (note: fighting words like bam pow kabow pop up in bubble words) and destroy the droids then they use a battering ram to try and get into the door, when that doesn't work they use dynamite, that doesn't work so they use blow torches

Ben

"Master why not just use our light rings

Viceroy

"Bring the roller bots…"

The roller bots are machines on tricycles

Ben

"Master Roller bots…"

They deflect shots from the bots and start running in slow motion using there swartz speed.

Bridge crewman

"Uh… Viceroy we have a collect call from Queen Ariel Bell Daniel Rapunzel Brier Rose Elizabeth Jasmine DeWitt Bukater Ameed the 5th…"

Viceroy

"Cheap bitch… Um next time you don't have to say her entire name just call her Rose… okay put her on…"

Queen Rose

"Ah viceroy your blockade of my planet has ended…"

Viceroy he smiles

"What are you talking about?"

Queen Rose

"I am talking about the ambassadors you are meeting with… your meeting should be ending by now… I have a CD to put out…"

Viceroy

"And you'd be able to do that if you agreed to be our spokes model…"

Queen Rose (Note: Every time the camera goes back to the queen she has a different hair style. Current hair style galactic waterfall.")

"I will never be a spokes model for you never… never I say…"

Viceroy

"Fine then have your way… Muhahhahahahahahaaaaa…"

Queen Rose (Hair style a pony tail)

She looks at him

"What's the sinister laugh for what are you up too…"

Viceroy

He signals for the operator to switch her off

"General prepare your troops…"

General

He is eight foot android who looks light Agamar the witch king of Lord of the rings. He pulls out a sword and causes a fiery storm. The wicked witch of the west stands in the window of the star ship.

Wicked witch

"Fly… now fly Ahhhaaahahahahahahaa…"

Achilles a droid that looks like Achilles

"Battle droids… My metal brothers I'd rather fight beside you than any army of clones coming up in the second half of this movie… let no flesh bag forget how menacing we are we are tanks you know what is waiting down on that planet a bitch with a really long name who needs to be taken down a peg take her she is not a virgin…" the droids cheer.


	3. Chapter 3

Scene 3

The palace of thyme

Captain Pantone

"You're majesty you don't have time for a photo shoot Senator Cheney is on a collect call for you…"

Queen Rose (Hair style; Afro puffs)

"Cheap bastard…" She whispers

She is posing for her last shots and Tyra Banks walks up when she was done

Tyra

"That was awesome are you sure you don't want to be a judge on my show…"

Queen Rose (Hair style; pig tails)

"I'm sure… I have a planet to run and a blockade to stop so I can put my new CD out…"

Tyra

"Dam federation… okay girl good luck with all that… may the swartz be with you…" They kissed each other on the cheek and Tyra left.

Queen rose changed clothes by walking behind the dress curtain and came out in her royal clothes and sat on her thrown (Hair Style; Corn Rows) The chair makes a gass passing sound.

"Oh my that was the chair…"

Pantone, the governor, the advisors, and the servants pretend they didn't hear anything

Queen Rose (Hair Style; B-Hive)

"Okay put him through…"

Senator Cheney's holographic image appears and the first thing he notices is the smell

"In the name of the swartz what is that smell…" He pulls out a can of air freshener and sprays.

Queen Rose (Hair Style; A wrap)

"What I don't smell anything… Girls you smell anything…" Her handmaidens/Back up singers shake their heads no.

"What are you talking about?"

Senator Cheney

"Yeah right… Okay then I have good news and bad news…"

Queen Rose (Hair Style; She is bald)

"Okay give me the good news first…"

Senator Cheney starts to flicker in and out

Queen Rose (Hair Style; Hair Buns)

"Senator come in…" She looks at Pantone, "…What is happening…"

Captain Pantone

"I don't know do I look like an electrician…"

Queen Rose (Hair Style; Dread Locks)

"Have someone check the dish… dummy…"

The Captain had a soldier check the dish

"Dish network how can I help you…"


	4. Chapter 4

Scene 4

Meanwhile federation ships start landing on the planet and the General Droid is ordering his troops to attack when a hologram of the viceroy appears.

Viceroy

"General… we have searched the ship I believe the Jedi have stowed away on your ship…"

General

"We'll find them sir…"

He saluted as the army marched towards the city.

Ben and Qwen were walking through the forest when they hear screaming a bunch of star wars fans were chasing a strange looking alien with pitch forks and weapons of all kinds. Ben and Qwan ignite their weapons and killed the fans

Alien

"Mooey mooey I love you…"

Qwan

"Uh we aren't into that… we like women even though we are forbidden from having girl friends…"

Alien

He waved his hand

"No… no… no messa not like that messa owe you life debt for saving my life… Messa name Jar Jar Jarubi Blake Well…"

Ben sighed

"I have a feeling I am going to regret asking this but why were those people chasing you…"

Jar

"Messa day starting well with the brisky morning munchies…"

Qwan

Qwan and Ben look around as things start to get fuzzy

"We don't need a flash back just tell the story…"

Jar  
"…and then these star warz fanz came out of no where they say I stupid character and wanted to kill me and then you save my life…"

Qwen

"We need a short cut to the city…"

Jar

"Yousa can come with mesa to my hidden city…"


	5. Chapter 5

Scene 5

They stood at the bank looking at the water

Ben

"Tell me we aren't going in the water I just took these robes out of the cleaners…"

Jar

"Man please…"

Jar pressed his keyless entry and the sound of a car beeped and the city rose up out of the water.

"Come on…"

Jar lead them across the bridge into the city and a couple of guards stopped them

"Hold it right there… Jar what are you doing back here…"

Jar

"Well it started…"

Jar tried to make another flash back, but the guard stopped him

Guard

"Don't even think about it… you know what…" He looks into the camera, "…Let's just skip forward to the next scene."

The Next Scene

Queen Rose stands in the window looking at the droid army entering the city; she sighs (Hair style: Strait hair)

"Okay which one of you wannabes is going to pretend to be me…" She asked looking at her maiden/back up singers.

The water

A ship rises up to the surface like a submarine

Qwen

"It was nice of the chief to give us this boat…"

Ben

"Yeah too bad we couldn't give him any screen time…"

Jar Jar is mad as the theme music from jaws plays and a shark fin streaks through the water

Jar

"Messa mad mesa people get no respect… yousa didn't have to skip to the next scene…"

Ben points

"Uh master look…"

Qwen looks in the direction and sees a huge great white coming at them and Jar screams

Jar

"Ahhh what are we going to do…"

Qwen pushes Jar into the water and the shark eats Jar then the shark rams the boat, but Ben throws a tank into it's mouth. Qwen is on the pole of the sinking ship with Ben just above him

Qwen

"Okay you fish bastard show me the tank…" He shoots and misses, "…Smile you son of a bitch!" the shark explodes and Jar swims to the boat.

Jar

"Yousa save me again…"

Ben and Qwen look at each other and at the same time say

"Great…"

Thyme palace

Queen Rose an out of shape fat girl was pretending to be the queen

The war droid general

"Which one of you stuck up witches is Queen Rose…"

The war droid swallowed hard as a fat, but elegant woman stepped forward and said in the most unattractive voice.

Fake Queen

"I'm Queen Ariel Bell Daniel Rapunzel Brier Rose Elizabeth Jasmine DeWitt Bukater Ameed the 5th.…you are tress passing on a free world…"

The droids looked at each other confused.

"By order of the viceroy you are under arrest…"

Later

Droid General

"Sir we have captured the queen…"

Viceroy

"Good…"

When the Viceroy and his top aid saw the queen they were confused and disappointed.

Top aid whispers into the viceroy's ear

"Uh sir she looks nothing like her picture…"

Viceroy

"They must use special effects to make her look so small in the holo-videos…"

Top Aid

"Either that or she let herself go in the past few minutes… Okay let me hear you sing…"

The fake queen sung a song that the aliens and her maids danced too

Viceroy

"Fine let us see you dance your signature dance…"

She danced as well

Viceroy

"Okay I'm convinced… sign this and become our spokes model…"

Queen Rose

"No…"

Viceroy

"Then perhaps the suffering of your people will change your mind… captain take them to camp five…"

Meanwhile

The Jedi were sneaking through the city and on the balcony Ben and Qwen were looking through their micro-binoculars for the queen. Ben pans the windows and spots the following shadow figures in a few windows; a man strangling a woman, a woman with a pair of scissors standing over her sleeping husband; some teenagers dancing and drinking; and a superhero changing into his costume. Ben tapped Qwen on the shoulder and pointed to an open window where a woman was getting dressed. She notices the two Jedi staring at her; she screams and closes the window.

Qwen

"Look here they come…"

Ben:

"Hey Jar…"

Jar is gone.

"Master what happened to Jar…"

Qwen

"Well…" As he explains the scene goes to a flash back

Ben

But Ben stops it

"Uh Master do we have time for a flash back…"

Qwen looks at the droids escorting the queen and her maids as they all walk in slow motion.

"Yeah we have time…"

The scene fades to a few minutes ago when the actor playing Jar takes off his head piece; "I've had enough of this shit this is a stupid character… I quit…" he declares and walks off the set

Qwen and Ben on the balcony:

Ben

"Oh well good for him…"

Qwen

"Here they come get ready…"

Qwen and Ben jump down and fight the droids and save the queen who thanks them both with a huge sloppy kiss both Ben and Qwen wipe their mouths.

Qwen

"This way your majesty…" Both Ben and Qwen were floored by the overweight queen and try not to say anything about it.

They take them to her star ship and escape the planet.

The Nemrods are having a party because they have taken over the planet and the queen has been captured, but a nemrod walks up to the viceroy and whispers in his ear. He leaves the party and starts pacing.

Top Aid

"Sir what's wrong?"

Viceroy

He is pacing back and forth very nervous

"The queen has escaped because of those damn Jedi…"

Top Aid

"Well someone is going to have to call the boss…"

Viceroy

"Fine then you call him…"

Top Aid

"You're the viceroy… you call him…"

Viceroy

"You are right I am the viceroy and I am ordering you to call the future emperor…"

Top Aid

"Wait a minute I don't even remember an emperor being in the original Space Balls…"

Viceroy

"That is beside the point… I am ordering to call him or else…"

Top aid

"Or else what…"

Viceroy

"You are fired…"

Top Aid

"Fired… after twelve years of faithful service you are going to fire me…"

Viceroy

"Mr. Trump can you help me here…"

The ship bridge turned into the apprentice set and Donald Trump is sitting at the desk

Donald Trump

"You are not a team player… and I have had enough… you know what… You're fired!"

Viceroy

He contacts the emperor

Emperor

"What now? Has the queen signed the contract?"

Viceroy

"Uh not exactly sir… She has escaped…"

Emperor

He almost jumps out of his chair

"What… Do you know how long it took me to set this up… Find her…"

Viceroy

"The ship is out of range…"


End file.
